This is the evening of the last full day of my 8 day retreat. I know from past experience that folks are going to ask me, « So, how was your retreat? » Well, the answer is that it was excellent! It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that it was one of the best retreats I’ve ever made. People who are really interested might then ask, « Well, what made it so good? » For two reasons, that’s a difficult question to answer. First, it’s hard to put such an experience into words: what does one say about a week spent in silence? And second, the deeply person nature of the experience is such that I’m reticent to publish it for all to read.
A fruitful retreat is one in which the retreatant grows in intimacy with God. None of us can have a relationship more personally intimate than the love and friendship offered to us by the One who knows us better than any other. In my relationship with God I am fully known, deeply and completely, nothing hidden – and – I am loved, uniquely and individually for who I am, as I am. God’s loving acceptance of who I am is greater than any love I might ever know or hope to know – bar none.
A retreat is time I set apart and dedicate to exploring this relationship and praying that in some even small ways I might welcome and accept the mystery of a love as great and deep as God’s love is for me. One of the most difficult things for human beings to take in is how much they are loved by God. I just spent 8 days seeking to open myself a little bit more to this great, merciful, healing mystery.
The image at the top of this post is a photo of some of my retreat notes and some handouts my director gave me in the course of the week to help me pray. I’ve intentionally blurred the image lest I reveal what is so personal. But I will share with you three phrases that came to me in my prayer and reflection, phrases that became mantras, repeated over and over again, with the desire and hope that these words would become more and more my own. Here are those phrases:
1) Take, O take me as I am… Many readers will recognize this as the first line of a song I have often used in my posts here. Almost as if for the first time, I understood that God does take me as I am – meeting me in the moment, not depending on my readiness or holiness – or anything else!
2) It’s you and me, Jesus! These words sounded in my heart day by day. The sentiment here was nothing new but the depth at which I heard, understood, accepted and found peace in these words was truly profound.
3) Now more than ever, I find myself in the hands of God… I found these words (Pedro Arrupe, SJ) in a book I was reading this week. I know, of course, that God has the whole world and each of us in his hands but… now, more than ever before, I find myself in the hands of God. And again, the depth at which I was able to pray, understand, accept and find peace in those words was profound indeed.
These three mantras were my constant companions this past week, reminding me over and over and drawing me ever closer to the One who is always my constant, faithful companion.
I hope this post helps you understand in some simple ways the grace and gift this retreat has been for me. Through the week I have prayed for you and given the peace I found, I am confident that you were praying for me.
